Tunnel

As of late....tons of scenario's play in my mind of different ways to handle several decisions I need to make. Part of me is afraid of the outcome and the other part of me wants to unleash the dragon and let the rage handle it all. The reason I named this 'tunnel' is because, as of right now there is no light therefore I feel like there is no end to this tunnel. I'm at a crossroad...which way to go. This is when I stop and look up....

New Journeys

Each year in the beginning we often say, "This year I feel change" and find ourselves within a few months in a repetitive cycle similar or of same life routines. The same ambitions, same goals, 'I wish this', 'I want to do that'. With out ever putting it into works. Well, as for myself this year, I started off with the "This year is definitely a different feel". As for what may lie ahead, or may actually happen.... I have know idea. But, what I do have control over, I will grab the wheel and punch the gas. For instance, I want to move into my own place again. I miss it. My own living room, my own bathroom, etc. I love my room mate and the pups, and will truly miss them but I miss my own place. I have come to realize as I have gotten older, as a woman, if you live with someone you would want to live with the opposite sex, not another woman. Having a room mate is great when your in your  20's or early 30's as your saving money, or as life throws you hard balls, but there comes a time when you want your own nest. It's my time.

Another change I feel coming on, lifestyle change. I want to be healthier, but a realistic healthy. I have alot of friends who have lost weight, gained it back or lost weight and kept it off. And then those, who have taken the easy way, and had 'The surgery'. I am young, I don't want to be on a roller coaster. I am lazy, and stubborn. I do things my way. However, I am always willing to try something at least once, EXCEPT  being Vegan. That is the ONLY thing I buck against. That is NOT, in no way shape, form or fashion a lifestyle I want to live. I love vegetables. But not enough to make that my ONLY thing. No way, no how! BUT.... I want to be healthy, I do incorporate, more protein and veggies and less carbs.  I have realized that sometimes I can be an emotional eater, but most of the time I starve my body. And that is why I struggle so much with weight. So this years plan is to educate myself. Due to so many food allergies that I have. I must educate and nourish myself properly with substitutes for fresh fruit, veggies and nuts. I want to lose weight not kill myself :)
I have been doing some research and reaching out to friends that I know have knowledge of this topic. I know that Diet is very key, and exercise. But as I said before I want to be realistic. Something  I know I can and will stick with.

My next priority this year, is my job. Being ambitious. Taking initiative with my career. I am currently taking a couple of tests to receive certificates that will enhance my education and prove that I want to excel. My work ethic speaks for itself. My loyalty has gone above and beyond, but I need a boomerang.....now. It's time for things to be paid for me. I need to make steps that will force reaction. I take a test at the end of the month that will hopefully get my dept's attention that I don't want to be stuck in this position forever. I need more advancement, more money. If it's more training, well....so be it! Let's learn. I'm your sponge!

I know  there will be changes in my life this year, as  there are always life changing  experiences and decisions, etc. However, for once I would like to be part of the Captain team, instead of the crew.

So for now.....those are my three....I'll keep you updated on my progress. Until then....don't get bitter....GET BETTER!

Glutton for Punishment

I was in the midst of waiting for an email, and started to go back and read old emails. Am I the only one who goes back to hurt days, moments, notes, or emails (in this matter) and re-live the pain. I can still feel the knot in my stomach....the emotions I felt. I'm not really being specific on any particular incident. However, I do this from time to time. I haven't really figured out why, and I'd hate to do the typical "O, I'm used to pain" cliche. However, just kind of curious if anyone else does this or know someone who does.

If you say I'm being mental...I've tried that argument with numerous doctors, however they're response is "Crazy people don't know their crazy"...So that blew my conclusion out the water! Hmph!

Family

I grew up not knowing my father, as many kids do now days. I would often ask my mother about him and due to such a bad past, she would detour the conversation, every time. I was lucky enough to be raised with a huge extended family and God-Parents who have looked out for me, but as a kid it's never enough. It's the unknown, especially when it comes to someone who was apart in bringing you into this world. When I got to be eighteen, I reached out to some connections and obtained my bio father's number. I called him, only to hear rejection. It seemed that day, was the first heart break I ever felt from a man. Someone, I made excuses for, and told myself it had to be my fault in some way or another for his absence in my life.
   However, through life's twists and turns I still kept hope for him. Only to find out ten years later on Ancestry.com that  he had died a year after that one and only call I made to him. I cried, even though I never met the man. It was final, I would never meet him, know him, see him for myself. I found out I had a sister and a brother. As a kid, I think I knew that I had one sibling from a slip of privacy breach. I reached out and connected it was great for the first newness of information. However, it seems as though my cousins are more like my long lost siblings then the real ones. I relate to them more, talk to them more and stay in contact with them. As for my sibling, it's just blood in my veins that makes us related. I wish I could be of some type of help, support or friend to either. But I have learned many years ago, a relationship built between two people, not one. So for now, I have two sisters who are my cousins.

Change....

Funny how sometimes we want change and then when change comes about we are so against it. I've had so many changes in my short lived life that you would think I would be used to it by now. From where I've lived, friends, family and adventures that were really unexpected. However, life is a journey and you either take the journey and live it or refuse the journey and have a lifetime of regrets, what if's, and unknowns. Obviously I've chosen to take the journey, and it has been everything BUT predictable. I"ve heard so many times that when you reach your 30's a "change" comes, like an epiphany. Believe it or not, it's true. I am feeling, in the words of Sam Cooke, "A change is gonna come". So follow me on my unpredictable road they call, My Life.